I started to talk about the freezing rain, and my new coffee maker, and the visits with sister number one and sister number two. However, before I started to write I went to see what was new in my sister’s blog. A post in her Transsexual Times, http://www.trixestarr.com/news changed my plans. The article is the one titled “Reality Check.” In the article Arlene has posted an entry from an unknown author and the author is recounting many points that both Arlene and I have made on numerous occasions. Most of us are struggling to make it from day to day. We don’t have the money to transition so we do the best we can with what we have. We go out day to day for all purposes, a “man in a dress.” There seems to be a disconnect between those who were fortunate to have the means to transition and those of us in limbo. They just don’t understand how it is to struggle to maintain a balance when you can’t do a damn thing about a body that you loath. I had a discussion with a psychiatrist who attends the support group meeting that I stopped attending. I thought that it was a bad idea to mention that FFS could cost as much as 30 to 40 thousand dollars and such things shouldn’t be discussed in support groups with people in attendance that could not afford such costs. I remember hearing those figures and thinking that my only choice was to commit suicide. I couldn’t stand to live if I had to go through life with a man’s face. My psychiatrist friend was rather curt and told me that if someone asked, she was going to tell them. That is fine if everyone there is the same. However, if there is someone there in a fragile state barely holding on and they hear that there is no hope of being feminine, then it could drive them over the edge! My psychiatrist friend also wants to bring a transwoman to the meeting that was gorgeous before FFS; could pass as a GG without even trying, and now she is drop dead gorgeous because she spent $30.000 on her face. I asked her how that is supposed to give support to me. How is that suppose to make me feel good about looking like a “man in a dress?” The only thing that is going to do is make me feel like shit and go back to thinking suicide is the best way out. It was hard enough to see a newbie at the meeting who doesn’t go out in public dressed as her female self, yet she is already having laser done on her face. I have been living full time for a while now and I still have a freaking beard because I can’t scrape together enough money for the first half of the laser costs and they won’t do a time payment. This newbie will be fully transitioned in several months and I will still be in this limbo.

Please go over to Arlene’s news blog and read the piece by the unknown author. I think the words are worth hearing.