XML FeedsIt was your mistake!
Once again a post made by my dear sister Arlene on her Transsexual Times site at www.trixiestarr.com/news has prompted me to write an article in a similar vein. I have also made a similar comment to what I am going to write before now, so some of you will find it familiar.
Why is it that so many transsexuals feel that their partner should openly embrace them when they “come out” to them? Suddenly they find out that the man they loved and cherished and had built a home and helped raised a family isn’t a man at all. Or similarly they suddenly find out that the woman they had loved and cherished and who had given birth to their children isn’t a woman at all. This is a major “punch in the gut” type thing and they suddenly find the life they thought they had was all a lie; an artificial construct that has vanished before their eyes. Is it any wonder to these transsexuals that their partner, their wife, their husband, is hurt and feels betrayed. Is it any wonder that they are angry and don’t want to have anything at all to do with “it?”
I recently read these words on a comment about a transsexual’s difficulty with her wife accepting her transsexualism, “…her transphobias and, yes, her homophobias….” If a woman isn't a lesbian, and doesn't want to be in a lesbian relationship, that isn't homophobia. Similarly, if a man isn’t gay and his wife tells him that she is really a man, and the man doesn’t want to stay in the relationship, that isn’t homophobia. In the same light, if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with a trans-person, that isn't transphobia. All too often the spouse is cast in a negative light because they don't embrace the idea that their partner is not of the gender they thought at the time of marriage. Transsexuals who are facing the above situations need to face up to the fact that entering into a marriage, even if it was for true love, without fully divulging their feelings or actions, such as cross dressing on the sly, of transsexualism was wrong. It was WRONG! It was not your partner who made the mistake, it was YOU!
4 comments
As a woman who was born with HBS (Harry Benjamin Syndrome; also known as transsexualism) I completely agree with you. I had surgery many, many years ago and I am living a wonderfully productive life, which was not the case before transition. I wnt through so many relationships, including four marriages, always thinking the "next one" would be the "answer". I never intentionally hurt anyone, but hurt them I did. It was MY fault, not theirs. I completely understand why a woman who was married to a "man", and that "man" turned out to be a woman, would not want to continue the relationship. I know that I am a woman and if I met and fell in love with a man...and that man turned out to be a woman suffering with transsexualism; I would be devastated. I really don't think I could handle it and would probably terminate the relationship.
Terri
Ah yes, labels. We can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. On one hand we have the "Transgender" Activists who so easily throw people with transsexualism, crossdressers, transvestites, drag queens, "gender Queer", and whatever else, under the ubiquitous umbrella of "Transgender". I would guess that most of the women who were born with transsexualism, including myself and most all of the women I know, do NOT want to be included in any "Transgender" label. The term transsexual, or even transsexualism is also problematic. When they hear these terms most people still conjure up thoughts of drag queens, she-males and deviant sexual practices. Just do a Google search on transsexual and see how many hits you get....and what percentage of those are porn sites. It's no wonder people get confused about "who" we are. Over the last several years there has been a move to distance ourselves from ALL of those "labels". HBS is one of them. It may not be perfect but it sure is a heck of a lot better than "trans" anything. I guess I would agree with you about it not being a "syndrome", using the strict definition. But it IS a birth condition or anomaly or defect that occurs in utero. It is NOT a psychological pathology or disease.
The sooner we can "wean" ourselves away from the "trans" designation and toward and more toward a medical term (or ANYTHING but trans) the better off we all will be.
That my wife still wants our marriage to work is a testament to her not only overcoming her views on gender but her also accepting my apology over hiding and lying for all these years. That trust issue is bigger than any gender stuff, and it doesn't really matter that I may not have been honest to myself, but it's so unfair how I let this become dishonesty to her.
When I was thinking about coming out one of the biggest things I had to weigh was could I handle her wanting to just leave me if that is what she wanted? And I realized that my answer really didn't matter - it was up to her to decide, and I had to accept her choice. I had been so dishonest for all these years - could she even believe that I would start being honest now? I was picking up one end of the stick, and I had to live with the other end. But I had to come out - I was sick of the lying and the hiding.
Smartest thing I ever did. Who knows what the future will bring, but the present is a whole lot better for both of us. Not perfect, but better.
(I get a lot of email from other cd/tg/tv/ts's who find my story and ask how to come out to their spouses. I don't have the answers, but I do know that they need to come out as soon as possible, be as sensitive as they can, and realize that they have been very unfair to their spouses. Most of them then tell me thanks but they can't come out for whatever lame excuse they can come up with. I know it's fear of losing it all, but what are you losing when you build it on a pack of lies?)
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